Still too chilly for a good ride, well, any kind of a ride really, good or other wise (yes, it is an excuse). Still not picking up a paint brush (altho it is being considered) but hey, I'm doing a little more writing today and I did vacuum  (there is significance in vacuuming and sweeping but will explain it another time). Truth is A Course In Love has been ignored by me, painfully so at times, not so at others, but on the tail end of yesterday's post and my continued catiwompusness (is this even a word) the following quote found me this morning. Think about it, comment about it, start dialogue with family and friends about it, or simply enjoy it...

"Remember this,
had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are,
Divine Love would have put you there."

~ C. Spurgeon

Like so many at the start of the New Year I reviewed my life, made some resolutions and with determination, set my goals for 2015. I even went as far as spending a few days at a delightful resort, just me and my laptop. Taking notes, ordering room service, setting intentions, envisioning my upcoming year and then revising, no, actually it was a complete revamping of my Ideal LifeVision. 

Returning home, feeling great from what I considered an accomplished vision setting weekend (it helped that I treated myself to a massage too), I began listening to my Vision. After a few days life added some detours, then, certain things I’d written into my Vision began to unravel in real life and other intentions I’d set began to sound and feel not quite right, a bit uncomfortable to me. 

This pattern of detours, unraveling, uncomfortableness has relentlessly continued. I stopped listening to my vision, stopped visioning and envisioning all together, stopped offering daily gratitudes (a real confession - I haven’t even created a gratitude journal for the year), I’ve stopped writing, stopped painting, not sweeping or vacuuming, lacking in laughter and curiosity…Ugh, what has happened to me?

Last week at this time it was nearly 70 degrees, I was sitting with Mother Earth clearing out garden beds. Sunday and Monday it snowed providing an accumulation of about a foot. Yesterday was warm, mid 60’s, with plenty of sunshine, goodness, the weather seems as catiwompus as me. 

And then I saw this, a tulip breaking though.

After weeks and weeks of a continuing downward spiral of dissent, I laid in my bed last night thinking of those tulips and yes my favorite, daffodils, are breaking though as well, and I woke this morning realizing it’s time for me to break through too, time to create 2015’s gratitude journal, time to revision and realign, time to revamp the revamped LifeVision…TIME TO BREAK THROUGH.

Is it time for you to break through?

I’d love for you to join me.

What do you think? Leave me a message, send me a message, heck, just contact me for heaven’s sake and let’s break though together!!!!

~~~~~~
Today my husband would have celebrated his 55th revolution around the sun. 
Happy Birthday Jeff. I miss you and I love you!

Working though a heart break is never easy, but I'm getting there, again. It doesn't help that it happens to be February, Valentine's, ugh all the lovey dovey stuff. But, the greater hurt, that which brings my heart to a very vulnerable place every year about now, is next week marks the 9th anniversary of Jeff's crossing. Nine years he's been gone from this place, wow.

So, out for a good, long, over due spin this morning I'm thinking of these things, broken heart, Jeff's crossing, pain, fear, loss...Jeff, thinking back to his last days I wondered if he had pain, great pain and my heart ached deeper. I know he experienced pain and fear and I hate the thought of it but at this moment as I'm cranking the hand cycle I didn't want to think about his pain and fear, think of something else, some other part, yet it haunted its way in.

Then, passing the cemetery on my spin back the thought of my own experience of near death came to me. "This isn't about me," I whispered, wanting to shift my thoughts back to Jeff. The question came so loud and clear to me, "What was the most important thought you had while dying?"

"Love. Did my family know how much I loved them?" Mixed and mingled with the crazy flurry of thoughts, love continued to reoccur that night. Everything came back to love.

Then the thought of fear came to me. Amid the unexplainable pain and panic I experienced there were waves of incomparable peace and ease. So why would Jeff's experience be any different. 


"Is there fear in death?" The question arose. "No." My answer to the unseen questioner. "And you know why not?" The inquirer continued. "Yes, I do."

While experiencing death, I was wrapped in perfect love. And, where there is love, real, true, perfect love, there is no fear. Jeff was wrapped in perfect love February 13, 2006 and he and I, without consciously knowing, exchanged once again before he crossed, perfect love. How very, very blessed I consider myself for knowing and the ability to recall such perfect love.

One more thought I had as I cranked the hand cycle up into the drive way was, death is not an end but a beginning. Marion Woodman refers to death as a "birth canal." As with any birth, there are labor pains, mixed and mingled with the contractions are moments of ease. And, with every end there is a new beginning.


Nine years! How I miss him. How I miss us. How much I continue to learn, understand, to find my way to a wholeness of love, divine love...


"Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God...Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son...Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another...if we love one another God dwelleth in us, and His love is perfected in us...God is love...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear..." 1 John 4 in part.