Working though a heart break is never easy, but I'm getting there, again. It doesn't help that it happens to be February, Valentine's, ugh all the lovey dovey stuff. But, the greater hurt, that which brings my heart to a very vulnerable place every year about now, is next week marks the 9th anniversary of Jeff's crossing. Nine years he's been gone from this place, wow.
So, out for a good, long, over due spin this morning I'm thinking of these things, broken heart, Jeff's crossing, pain, fear, loss...Jeff, thinking back to his last days I wondered if he had pain, great pain and my heart ached deeper. I know he experienced pain and fear and I hate the thought of it but at this moment as I'm cranking the hand cycle I didn't want to think about his pain and fear, think of something else, some other part, yet it haunted its way in.
Then, passing the cemetery on my spin back the thought of my own experience of near death came to me. "This isn't about me," I whispered, wanting to shift my thoughts back to Jeff. The question came so loud and clear to me, "What was the most important thought you had while dying?"
"Love. Did my family know how much I loved them?" Mixed and mingled with the crazy flurry of thoughts, love continued to reoccur that night. Everything came back to love.
Then the thought of fear came to me. Amid the unexplainable pain and panic I experienced there were waves of incomparable peace and ease. So why would Jeff's experience be any different.
"Is there fear in death?" The question arose. "No." My answer to the unseen questioner. "And you know why not?" The inquirer continued. "Yes, I do."
While experiencing death, I was wrapped in perfect love. And, where there is love, real, true, perfect love, there is no fear. Jeff was wrapped in perfect love February 13, 2006 and he and I, without consciously knowing, exchanged once again before he crossed, perfect love. How very, very blessed I consider myself for knowing and the ability to recall such perfect love.
One more thought I had as I cranked the hand cycle up into the drive way was, death is not an end but a beginning. Marion Woodman refers to death as a "birth canal." As with any birth, there are labor pains, mixed and mingled with the contractions are moments of ease. And, with every end there is a new beginning.
Nine years! How I miss him. How I miss us. How much I continue to learn, understand, to find my way to a wholeness of love, divine love...
"Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God...Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son...Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another...if we love one another God dwelleth in us, and His love is perfected in us...God is love...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear..." 1 John 4 in part.
So, out for a good, long, over due spin this morning I'm thinking of these things, broken heart, Jeff's crossing, pain, fear, loss...Jeff, thinking back to his last days I wondered if he had pain, great pain and my heart ached deeper. I know he experienced pain and fear and I hate the thought of it but at this moment as I'm cranking the hand cycle I didn't want to think about his pain and fear, think of something else, some other part, yet it haunted its way in.
Then, passing the cemetery on my spin back the thought of my own experience of near death came to me. "This isn't about me," I whispered, wanting to shift my thoughts back to Jeff. The question came so loud and clear to me, "What was the most important thought you had while dying?"
"Love. Did my family know how much I loved them?" Mixed and mingled with the crazy flurry of thoughts, love continued to reoccur that night. Everything came back to love.
Then the thought of fear came to me. Amid the unexplainable pain and panic I experienced there were waves of incomparable peace and ease. So why would Jeff's experience be any different.
"Is there fear in death?" The question arose. "No." My answer to the unseen questioner. "And you know why not?" The inquirer continued. "Yes, I do."
While experiencing death, I was wrapped in perfect love. And, where there is love, real, true, perfect love, there is no fear. Jeff was wrapped in perfect love February 13, 2006 and he and I, without consciously knowing, exchanged once again before he crossed, perfect love. How very, very blessed I consider myself for knowing and the ability to recall such perfect love.
One more thought I had as I cranked the hand cycle up into the drive way was, death is not an end but a beginning. Marion Woodman refers to death as a "birth canal." As with any birth, there are labor pains, mixed and mingled with the contractions are moments of ease. And, with every end there is a new beginning.
Nine years! How I miss him. How I miss us. How much I continue to learn, understand, to find my way to a wholeness of love, divine love...
"Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God...Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son...Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another...if we love one another God dwelleth in us, and His love is perfected in us...God is love...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear..." 1 John 4 in part.
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